


saudade

by mellowfellow



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Post-Break Up, Reminiscing, referenced johnjae
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-28 13:56:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17184266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mellowfellow/pseuds/mellowfellow
Summary: He can't do anything but to reminisce. This time, Jaehyun hopes it's the last.





	saudade

**Author's Note:**

> //inspired by my own experience.  
> i hope i delivered the emotions i wanted you all to feel. wrote this while listening to yiruma's reminiscent on repeat.

It was as if the box sitting in front of him, once unopened, will release all evil known to mankind, like how Pandora did as told by the myth. Its presence brought a heavy feeling on his chest, and Jaehyun had been taking his time with complete hesitation for quite a while now. He brushed his fingers on the lid, still unable to muster the courage to open the cardboard box containing every tangible piece of memory he had with Johnny.  
Johnny. The one who he loved the most. And the one who he had lost.

His heart clenched. The pain still felt raw, even though two years already had passed. Two years and yet, there he was, unable to set himself free. Jaehyun couldn’t help but laugh at the bittersweet irony of it all, taunting him. He had lost Johnny, and in the past two years he had lost himself as well.  
Now, all he wanted was to reclaim the man he once was. Jaehyun knew he was everything but ready, yet through the years he never tried. It’s about time he did. Jaehyun composed himself and pulled the box closer, shutting his eyes briefly as he opened it. A deep sigh escaped his parted lips as he stared down, a wave of nostalgia hitting him square in the chest, his lungs seemed to suffocate. Jaehyun gripped the sheets beside him as he tried to calm his rapid beating heart.

A beige hoodie laid at the very top of the box, folded neatly covering the rest of the contents inside. Jaehyun latched his fingers on the soft fabric, spreading it whole across the air. The hoodie strings were tied into a bow, and on cue, Jaehyun’s fingers flew to his own hoodie strings tied the same way. A realization dawned on him; he had been unconsciously tying his hoodie into a bow the past two years – a habit he got from Johnny. Johnny used to tie Jaehyun’s hoodie strings just like his own, but then again, there was no Johnny who will tie them, not anymore. Only the habit itself was left of him for Jaehyun.  
Jaehyun clutched the hoodie to his chest, burying his face on the fluffy material as he inhaled its scent. The smell of Johnny’s perfume still lingered, albeit faint, but Jaehyun knew it too well. He used to love the scent especially when mixed with Johnny’s early morning coffee aroma stuck on the material. Jaehyun lifted his head off the hoodie and set it aside on the mattress.  


Jaehyun briefly scanned the contents inside, and once again he felt a pang on his chest. There were a lot of things kept in the box, and it was a lot to take in. The first thing that caught Jaehyun’s eye were the amount of tickets inside – tickets to their first movie, bowling receipts, Lotte World tickets, tickets to the skating rink, to the arcade, even the planetarium and the ocean park – he kept everything. Memories of their dates flashed across Jaehyun’s mind, including the first kiss he and Johnny shared as they rode the Ferris wheel, an intimate moment they had when they were at the highest peak. He could still remember it clear as it happened; Johnny reaching to kiss his forehead, his cheeks, and unexpectedly, his lips. Johnny was smiling against the kiss, and Jaehyun lost himself in the moment as he reciprocated. The first kiss was sweet, and so did the hundreds of kisses that went after that. Not until the last one they shared. Jaehyun suddenly tasted the salty tears he shed as Johnny kissed him goodbye, the relationship they built collapsing before his eyes.

Next were a few letters and the post-its Johnny used to leave on the refrigerator, on his coffee cup, little notes that reminded him daily of Johnny’s love. Jaehyun knew better than to read them, so he chose not to. Claw machine plushies, keychains, dried flowers, candy wrappers – Jaehyun had a penchant of collecting even the smallest of things that he could when he and Johnny were still together. He kept these little things to serve as remembrances, things for him and Johnny to look back to and smile over. Jaehyun never thought he would look back at these precious memories all alone.

What was left of the box’s contents was the small scrapbook lying at the bottom. Jaehyun scooped it out and a silver ring attached to a chain fell off. He picked it up and ran his thumb over the inscription on the promise band, consisting of their initials and the phrase ‘entwined’, as what their souls and their hearts used to be. Not anymore. Never again.

Jaehyun opened the scrapbook filled with photos of him and Johnny together, mostly taken by the latter through his hobby of using his camera to capture emotions and memories in photographs. Polaroids with short love notes and cute drawings decorated every page, along with dainty stickers and animal cutouts. Sweet moments captured on paper – hugging, holding hands, and even a kiss shared between them – it almost brought Jaehyun to tears. His fingers hovered over the polaroid taped on the last page, a photo of Johnny smiling wide as he embraced an equally cheerful looking golden retriever which was one of the pets of the dog café they used to mostly hangout in. Jaehyun’s photo with the dog was kept by Johnny that time, and he wondered if he still has it. _He doesn’t, Jaehyun._ With a heavy heart, Jaehyun closed the scrapbook. 

It was time for him to get rid of these things – little things that served as bookmarks which reminded him of the pages of their love story that he held on to the most. Their story was already finished, the book closed long ago. These pages pushed back to the deepest ends of his memories were already tattered, like his heart.

Jaehyun knew it was long due, he had to open another book and proceed to a fresh chapter of his life as the year came to an end.

 

Jaehyun never had to burn another box after that.

**Author's Note:**

> pls dont hate me. drop your feels/opinions/criticism below or find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/weewoojae) or  
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/younghoes)


End file.
